Urban Reformation

Spanking has long fallen by the wayside in public schools, and there are certainly skeptics in the public eye who have come up with every “other” form of discipline besides spanking.  I am not sure if it’s based in guilt, or perhaps a child had a “harsh” experience from their own childhood.  I know that in some cases like anything else if there was a parent who was overly harsh with their spankings it can make some parents desire the opposite, and thus we have a tsunami of unspanked children in America.  Therefore we have had generations who do not know that there are consequences for doing wrong things, breaking the rules, breaking the law.  We are a generation of license.

I would like to share a couple of things I have gleaned from God’s word in the bible that have helped our family with the raising up of our children. By God’s grace alone we do not seem thus far to have children which desiring to sow their wild oats, or whom have explicit rebellion toward mom and dad.  Not perfect children by any means, but I believe God has been rewarding specifically for obedience to his word.  We become overwhelmed sometimes at God’s hand in their lives, and so very thankful for what He has accomplished in them.

I do know there were times when “Spanking” seemed like it wasn’t the “right” thing to do and I’m not opposed to spanking + however God effectively gives a couple of scriptures which make it clear this is how to handle our children from His word.

One verse in proverbs that is frequently mis-quoted is, “If you spare the rod you spoil the child.”   When the verse in Proverbs 13:24 reads, “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.”

It in fact doesn’t mean “Spoil” as if it will go bad, but it puts the onus on the parents who in fact “hate” their children if they do not use the rod.  This is significant in the eyes of God, in the same way he disciplines us he teaches us the model of discipline for our children.   In other words if I love my children I will serve them by spanking them because if I do not I am sending them a completely different message, and that message is there is no consequence for sin.  There is negotiation, or there is bribery, or there is whining, or there is if I pout long enough they will feel sorry for me, but at the heart of spanking there is the desire for your children to feel pain briefly to recognize their own sin.   This is how God teach us and trains us to train our children.  Its purpose is a gospel purpose that when we offend a Holy God there is a consequence.  If we fail to teach these lessons to our children while they are young they will inevitably learn the reality of real life when they live out in the real world breaking laws, and having to serve time for the consequences of their sin.

The worst consequence of all is that of eternal separation from God.  Spanking in and of itself is meant to bring one to an understanding of the brevity of their sin, and there with the spanking comes in the fear of the father.  I believe that one of the things that I have learned in child rearing is that there needs to be a healthy fear of the father.  In other words if dad is a push over, if Dad is soft on discipline and children do not fear the consequence, in other words if the spankings are taps and there is not a sting, there is no brevity felt, there is no fear of discipline.  Without this fear, it is in essence, as if there is  no fear of God before them.  They take discipline lightly and see it as a challenge more than the sin they need to repent from.  When I ask my children, are they afraid of me they will say, “yes, when we do something wrong.”  Does that mean they don’t love me? No.  When I ask if they love me they say absolutely, and thus fear doesn’t mean a lack of love, but simply they fear the consequence and understand the brevity, we pray only that this external fear from their father turns into the training of their conscience which the Holy Spirit uses to accuse them of sin later, as they fear God.  It is precisely because of the discipline, that they know we love them.  This should also be explained to them as they get older.

Needless to say the goal when they are little is simply sinful action, immediate rod, consequence.  So many parents are prone to wait in social settings or because they are tired, but the looser the discipline the looser the behavior.  Children need to know their boundaries and what’s acceptable and what is not and they learn from Mom and Dad.  Each one of you parents are their model, and that old saying, “children get more caught than taught” is true.

As they become older and understand the gospel more and more, it is time to take them to the gospel and have them own each of their sins whether that is between each other or individually.  The attempt is to always get to the cross, and the heart of the matter, to have them contemplate their sin.  At some ages this will not really occur but the pattern still needs to be established based upon their ability to comprehend, and as they grow and by God’s Holy spirit and Grace the light will come on.

Therefore to summarize, the bible teaches that the rod is an important part of child rearing, and that all other methods of discipline by themselves alone are foolish for most ages, because if you do spare the rod you are demonstrating your hate for your children.  Some people will say that the “Rod” simply means discipline, I believe by God’s mercy and Grace we can say our experience confirms God’s way and the rod being the rod I believe is the correct interpretation.  Our oldest daughter Kayla is 14 and we are blessed by God’s hand on her life, as well as our other two children.

Let me say this, before I forget, it is always important to respect your children.  I have failed at this so many times, but give them an unconditional respect.  When doing this, you are extending what you expect them to do with others.  Never discipline in anger, ( I have not always been successful here either) yet when we are unsuccessful we need to do the same in owning our own sin before our children and repenting before them.  Modeling these same behaviors before them when we ourselves sin, so that they are not always seeing themselves on an island where only they sin, but you are on the island struggling in sinning along side of them, and yet repenting of your sin willingly before them as well.

Above all pray for your children and with your children, share your heart and vision with them as you pray for their spouse, whom they may not meet for 10 to 15 years.  Most of all love them and remember your times with them, put yourself in their shoes/perspective and know that you are creating memories right now that they will remember for the rest of their life.

It is ultimately about their heart and how we point their heart toward the gospel. Out of the heart flow the issues of life, and a series I would recommend is, “Shepherding a Child’s Heart” by Tedd Tripp

The road is not over for me yet so still parenting here and much to learn, but God’s word is clear, the question is do we believe Him?

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