Urban Reformation

I want to do a couple of things in this post, first I want to introduce you to the Fosters and secondly I want to discuss for a second, “Are we to seek after suffering?” Reflecting on a sermon called “The Cup” by Tim Juhnke at my church Faith Community or (FCC).

I knew very little of the Fosters, I met them through a friend of an acquaintance of a friend via e-mail that I received. You see, I have received some very strange questions and looks for having moved my family down into the North East, Kansas City area, (aka ‘The Hood’) where there is high crime, and difficult circumstances. Thanks be to God however, that we haven’t had anything serious happen to us, however we’ve had several difficult experiences while we were down here from finances, to remodeling, to crime which has plagued our neighborhood in one way or another. It was when I read the e-mail below, did I experience a sort of like mindedness that I was drawn toward.

Scott and Jen foster moved specifically into the city of Chicago for the purpose of ministering to the needy, when all of a sudden God granted them to be parents of three most beautiful black children. Being caucasian themselves they soon found themselves in a new direction although somewhat out of the city their hearts continue to be for those who need Christ. It was through this e-mail someone sent me from church, that had me while I was on this business trip to Detroit, look them up and attend their church. I will blog once more on that experience before I close this series of post.

A few weeks back in our home shepherding group, someone asked “do we seek out suffering?” Some said yes, some said no, some said you really need not seek it, it will find you out. I’ve been pondering in my heart since that time, “Or do you do intentional things in Christ by faith that in one sense guarantees you some suffering, although the suffering itself is not the goal, it is a means God uses to conform you to the image of His son, and by avoiding it you are assured one thing, to know Him less.”

In a sense this family had done what so many “Missionaries” on the field do with out being explicitly called “Missionaries”, they decided to walk toward a hard and difficult road in faith. They chose to swim up stream, the down stream of comfort. Not because of anything other than they are choosing to believe this is not our “resting” place, that our home is in Heaven. It was this going against the grain of comfort, shirking the bow to comfort if you will, that I admired about them. They have a heart for the lost, and needy which to me exemplified a portrait of Christ, going where others dare not go, as people scoffed at Christ for talking to the lowest of low in society, these folks have sought it out. This e-mail is in transition of their life as they attempt to grasp at what God is doing as they move from Chicago to Detroit, with their newly adopted children to show them a different yet real life with Christ as center. It was an honor to have met them and I hope to see them again.

Dear Friends,

Time has been flying swiftly as I’m sure all parents are thinking, “I can’t believe it is October already!” We have done much traveling and fairly well settled on a new church and, therefore, residence. I say ‘fairly well’ because we know we cannot take one step unless God directs our way and provides for our needs. We are currently scouting for rental homes in the Detroit Michigan area. I have some relatives living there and my uncle is the pastor of a Very Special church. We have desired to be members of their church for …several years, but the time and calling was never right. Now we believe it will be the perfect place for our family to grow (spiritually, maybe even exponentially). We have much to learn from them — a Missions-driven church with some older (than me) , wiser saints and servants.Before visiting Detroit we were dreading our move, hating to leave our ministry and friends here in Chicago. However, we now have peace and even sweet anticipation for what new task God will have for us there. I cannot speak highly enough about this church, but with a desire to keep this short I will stop there.Because I do not know how much longer I will be writing these updates, I wanted once more to try to articulate the driving force behind what we do, where we go, and how we live. I hope to get back on track with the missionary bios after we move, but for now indulge my need for an open forum, a sounding board, if you will. I know many of you understand and live out of this, and probably can express it much better, but I feel… compelled to repeat (at the risk of sounding like a broken record) these things.I have to first say that any wise and insightful comments come directly from my father, whereas anything heretical or off-the-wall comes from myself. Also, when I talk about my life I am of course refering to Scott‘s life as well, although any sin references belong to me alone.Now: all my emails – from the very first one I wrote in Palmdale have been requesting prayer for myself and my chosen path for following God. I have been trying to express a Pattern for the way (I believe) people should live their lives. I am not attempting to lay out a specific outline or course of action for any or every believer. But only perhaps dialogging about a way to think about life. Some call this a world view. These thoughts will, must, influence the way a person lives. But for each person the road will be different. The issue – the hang-up, the crux, the turning-point can often be the disconnect between the theology we say or think we have and the things we actually do and love and desire and pursue. I believe that living out our theology requires self-conscious intentional decisions about our life. It requires that we intentionally decide to pursue the cross and not our own selfish motivations. If we do not pursue the cross, we will pursue our flesh – there is some Logic principle there, but I have long forgotten it.My husband and my pursuit of the cross has lead us to Chicago, to adopt 3 kids, to move to the Ghetto, and now to move to Detroit. If we did not pursue these things they wouldn’t have come after us. The Bible absolutely tells us we must seek out trouble. If we did not pursue trouble in the form of attending foster care classes, 3 crazy children certainly wouldn’t have ever landed in our laps! But Christians are called to find trouble. Now the kind of trouble we seek out depends on our God-given talents, our interests, occasionally our income. But it is imperative to realize that there is a difference between trouble that comes because of the Fall, such as disease (I don’t suggest injecting ourselves with AIDS) and the trouble that comes with following Christ (such as working in an AIDS colony). Go with Christ outside the camp does require some form of going – seeking, searching for, locating trouble. In one way it doesn’t really matter where I live or what my calling (job) is — only that I guarantee (and others can tell better than I) that if I live like this Something is going to change. And it doesn’t change once. Life isn’t static. We can get quite comfortable here, doing our part, and then fight God telling us it is time to move on – which we did. It might seem we are doing what God has called us to, and we were, but now it is different and we must change.We all fear pain, we fear rejection, we fear failing. And these things keep us from changing the things in our lives that don’t match up with our claims to be Christ followers. We Americans avoid pain at all cost. We think it is an unnecessary evil. But, in fact, pain can be our greatest friend. It reminds us, first, of sin: The Fall, personal sin, that all is not okay in the world. I personally hate watching commercials about malnourished children in Africa – it hurts too much. So, I turn them off. We do this all the time in our lives. We insulate ourselves from pain – we move away from bad neighborhoods, we throw away Compassion letters, we turn off the TV, we stop our ears from the cries of our next door neighbor. But God calls us to engage in pain.Pain also keeps us humbly dependent on God. Something our flesh hates! I admit I was not ready for the amount of daily/ hourly pain my kids give me. Their broken views of life, their bedwetting, their previous tantrums and biting, their constant lying, their inability to socially move past a certain level — it is all very painful and my flesh hates it. Sometimes it literally gives me a headache. When I came to the realization that my kids (having been adopted as older kids with a past) will never really see me as “mom”, but rather a caretaker who they do love, it really really hurt. It hurt my pride and my flesh. I was told this was the reality of adopting older kids – who know their mom and naturally want their mom! But I somehow thought we would be different. No, it is part of the pain of raising these kids. Sometimes I want to quit! Anything to ease the pain, the humiliation, the daily feelings of failure. But there are things God calls me to do no matter the cost to ourselves. Am I doing it? Or am I afraid? Although I could give more reasons for pain, this will be last. It is best: pain makes us long for heaven and not worry about our physical lives. This seems contradictory and it can be. When we don’t rest in Jesus, when we take our eyes off Christ, then, like Peter, we sink. We hate the pain, hate our lives and hate everyone else. Our lives become bitter because of the pain. I have been there too much for such a young chick! Disregarding our lives allows us to go and do things we wouldn’t have done before. It’s the whole “if you had only 1 month to live what would you do?” scenerio. We often think, “when the kids are grown I will become a missionary” or “when the kids are gone…” or “if I had a million dollars I would give to the Red Cross and support an orphan and…” of course we all want to sound holy, so we don’t add the part about the swimming pools or the vacations or the Romanesque indulgences we would really heap upon ourselves.I have thought about these questions quite a bit. I think if our station should change in one of those ways we should be able to continue to some extent doing what we are now. We should be imperfectly doing it now with the limited time and limited resources we do have! I actually try to live like I am dying. I try to teach my kids by example what a Christian servant does. I try to live like I have a million dollars because my Father owns the cattle on a thousand hills. If I received a million dollars I would be able to increase what I am doing now. If I had a month to live I would probably be ashamed at how little I have done, how little I have sacrificed. I would see my puny little life and begin with fresh vigor to live for Christ. I think it is delusional to say that if we had more time (retired) or less responsibilities (kids grown) or more money (win the lotto) or motivation (dying in one month) we would change. The Bible teaches that when we are faithful with little God will give us more. If we are not faithful with the time and money and responsibilities we have now, He isn’t going to suddenly give us a big task when we are 60 (generally speaking). There are exceptions. I can’t recall the number of times I’ve heard young people say they want to be missionaries (myself included!) and then get entangled in the things of life: children, jobs, rose gardens, Costco — all good things! But not the best thing. These take precedent, they often become little gods, and our first love grows cold. This is heart-breaking. Of all those young people I’ve personally known who stated their desire to become a missionary, not one has gone — yet. Not one. We must be radically committed to Christ in all areas of our lives, during all stages of our lives. As I am beginning to understand, this gets very complicated with children. Raising them can be a huge sacrifice and service to God. They can also become a stumbling block to following Christ and living only for Him. Their lives can become our idols. But I don’t think they have to. Not because I am such a great authority. But my parents did an excellent job of raising missions-minded children and serving in the church while we grew. They taught by precept and example. Some day I will finish a book I am writing on ways to serve while parenting and ways to teach your kids to serve. Well, it is a series of recollections and insights from my parents, grandparents and relatives. I have a treasure-trove to work from!I sometimes receive emails telling me that my updates convict and challenge them. Is it because they feel called to move to Chicago but aren’t doing it? I highly doubt it. Is it because they feel called to adopt children but aren’t doing it? Probably not. I obviously don’t know what it is convicting people. I do know when I was a girl every time a missionary came to our church to give a presentation, I ended up with tears streaming down my face, my heart crying out “Send me, Lord!” I know that when I finish reading about some great Christian man or woman I see all my sins and flaws larger than life. I know sometimes the things I write convict myself because I am not living up to the truth I expound! The conviction isn’t about living “my” life. It is about connecting your beliefs with your circumstances. Truth, from any quarter – even an idiotic 25 year old, will always convict a humble, sensitive heart. Conviction is a sign that God is speaking to me and I had better drop everything and listen! It doesn’t have to be a sin issue, although when I run like Jonah it becomes one! It could be God tugging on my heart to do or think through or sacrifice something. I am always frustrated, confused, searching, unhappy, discontent when I am not serving God the way He wants. Always. When I find myself convicted it is time for soul-wrestling and, like Jacob, I wrestle until I have peace with God. Then I usually have some hard work to do. But I’m now happy and the work becomes pleasurable! In our busy, media saturated life it can become hard to hear God speaking – whether He is calling through a book, a sermon, or a song. And even when we do think He is pulling on us, we are so so so so quick to discount the voice as “emotionalism” or “unwise” or “impractical” that we disobey. I suspect that some of us, myself being the chief of hypocrites here, have gotten so used to immediately denying the Holy Spirit’s call that we’ve piled up sin upon sin upon sin. Like I said I am at the bottom of the totem pole on this one.One thing He has taught me is how many things I am doing that are actually for myself! So many things that I chose to do because others would see them and they were relatively easy. David would not sacrifice to the Lord that which cost him nothing yet I was giving God my puny pittance and calling it a Great Sacrifice. Often in my life I have caught myself thinking I was really giving God something this time. And then I see how pathetic it really is. Am I offering God something worthy of Him or am I giving Him my left-overs? Theologically, of course, we can’t “offer” Him anything because He owns it all anyway! But I do tend to get self-righteous with my offerings. Am I counting human kindnesses as sacrifices to God? As in, when I let Scott have the last piece of pie, do I figure I’ve sacrificed for the day? That is pretty pathetic, but I do it. It isn’t sacrifice – it is just part of living with my husband. Living without air conditioning is frustrating, but it isn’t sacrificing for God. I’ve needed to redefine sacrifice as something which costs me and is done for the delight of serving my Savior, not something that is just part of life.I want to give an example of someone I greatly admire who was neither a missionary or a pastor, yet seemed to grasp this elusive doctrine I speak of. This is about a doctor whose name I don’t even know. He lived in the South, I think Mississippi. He had a lucrative medical clinic in the better part of town and a free low-income clinic. He lived in a trailer park, in a small 2 bedroom trailer. While all his medical pals played golf and went on yearly vacations to exotic locals and enjoyed catered conventions, this man faithfully worked at his low-income clinic, drove his junker car to his mobile home and ate his wife’s home cooking. They rarely entertained, rarely went out, and never went on vacations. Their 2 children came to visit them with the grandkids and tried to convince their father to retire. He refused. He continued working until he died and when he did it was made known that except for a small amount set aside for his wife to live on, he was broke. His check book, however, revealed much wealth given away over his lifetime. Sometimes to one of his staff or his patients, some times to a struggling family member. He supported many missions agencies, struggling interns, overseas medical aid projects, etc. Every Christian’s path is different, but all of them should be dynamic. We should look, act, think, desire differently than non-believers. Not as a works salvation, not to be seen by men, not because we have to, but because we have a God worthy to live and die for.I love collecting stories about Godly men and women. I love reading modern missionary updates. But if all I do is sit back and read them and enjoy them and soak it all in, then my own life will be a failure. This next move to Detroit is about following God to the next task, the next risk-taking adventure. We take our mission field with us now. And there will be opportunities to serve in any place we land. As my dad once said to me, “It doesn’t matter where you live and what job you have as long as you are serving God with your life.” The real question I ask myself every day – morning and evening, is am I serving God here, now, today? If not, then something has to change. My attitude, my sinfulness, occassionally my ministry, less often my location. I know my heart is deceitfully wicked – oh how deceitful! So I question my motives all the time. Why do I want to get involved in this ministry? Why do I want to quit? Why is it so hard to give this up? Am I content doing a little task, if God so chooses – or do I have to have the grand in-your-face tasks? Am I afraid to leave my comfort zone? Do I fear ridicule? Am I being driven by love for God or love for myself?I know even my best intentions are tainted with sin, so that my offerings are as dirty rags, but what is driving my decisions? When I’ve engaged in this soul-searching it is exhausting. But it also clears the conscience and gives humility and boldness and a sureness in the way. I am far from consistent, careful, or good at this. I get tired of fighting with my flesh, my pride, and my chocolate cravings. But when I ponder on eternity, fixing my eyes on Christ, I cannot give up my theology or its outworkings. I will never “settle” for mediocrity – my husband won’t let me! My conscience won’t let me. My family won’t let me. God won’t let me. He just doesn’t let me get cozy here on earth. And I will some day be eternally grateful. I don’t think anyone ever entered eternity thinking they wished they’d served God less. No, I think we will all see Jesus and wish we had done more, more, more, ever so much more! Well, I don’t know if this is even worth sending. I read voraciously and am really just repeating sermons, books, and tapes that others’ have given. I don’t really have any original thoughts. I hope this doesn’t come across as arrogant and self-assured. It isn’t intended that way. I am a very foolish, unsure, insecure, pessimistic child. But I do have faith in a God who continues to surpass all that my finite mind can imagine. I long for a strong Christian church that knows the joy and passionate zeal for God that I have been exposed to from my reading, from my relatives, from my parents, from sermons. If we could only be convinced of these truths I think our lives would be very different. I have to admit that the Christianity I read about in times past, in missionary biographies, in letters from saints in Closed countries puts my life to shame. They live and breathe Jesus Christ. I can’t even conceive of the kind of faith and love and holiness they possess. And when I think I am not so bad it just proves how proud and calloused my heart is! Pray for me that I would not lose my passion for Christ, but that it would grow greater and greater until it consumes my life! This is my prayer for all of you, as well. May we be caught up into glory as we worship our great God.I hope God will strike out anything unnecessary, any stumbling blocks, anything that won’t cause us to look at Christ. All I want to do is bring the body of Christ closer to Him. What arrogance and presumption to think I can. God must write anything worth reading. Don’t bother with the rest! –Humbly in Christ’s service, Jen

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